About Parental Alienation

In my experience parent alienation is the following:

1.Lack of independent thinking from the child imitating the alienator’s thoughts and feelings. Both cutting off the alienated parent when they call on the phone.  Not speaking to alienated parent when in presence of alienator.

2.Destroying mail from the alienated parent.

3.The alienating parent tends to seek to curtail all communication between the child and the alienated parent.

4.The alienated parent is seen as the scapegoat. He or she is blamed for everything that has gone wrong with the child. There is no sense of ambivalence.

5.The child calls the alienated parent a liar and other abusive names similar to the alienating parent.

6.The child insults, shows disrespect, and humiliates the alienated parent often in front of the alienator.

7.Alienated parents are viewed as being despicable, faulty and deserving of being rejected permanently.

8.Parents who alienate children are seducing the child emotionally and will continue to do this while in control of the child, yet they deny that they are doing anything but encouraging the child to make contact with the alienated parent. Giving children the choice to decide for themselves, but not really giving them the choice.  A choice with no options!

9.The child is made to feel guilty for any love shown towards the alienated parent. The child will deny any involvement with the alienated parent, fearful of what the alienator would do to him or her.

10.The child fears rejection by the alienator.

11.The child is owned, controlled, and indoctrinated by the alienating parent. That parent is viewed as all good, all wise, and all powerful by the child who becomes dependent, manipulated by them. There is never questioning that what the parent says or does is always right.

12.The child tends to paraphrase statements used by the alienating parent. The words used are often untypical of words likely to be used by a child. It is very similar to a cult type of indoctrination.

13.The child suffers from paranoia (hatred) inculcated by the alienating parent who promotes attitudes, intentions, and behaviors of a negative nature of the alienated parent.

14.Children who are alienated no longer know truth from lies.

15.The child who is alienated against the parent will often be alienated against the parent’s family also.

16.The alienated child tends to see themselves in a very powerful position, especially in the severity of their antagonism shown to the alienated parent. This is all done following the programming by the alienator.

17.Female alienators will often choose female solicitors as they assume they will be able to identify with them better.

18.Female alienators are often angry due to the fact that the alienated individual has a new relationship, while she has not.

19.Some alienators move away from where their ex partner resides in order to make visits difficult or impossible or moves to address and requests the children not to tell the alienated parent.

20.Sometimes the name of the child is changed to that of the alienator or the next partner to which the alienator has attached him or herself.

21.Frivolous reasons are often given for not wanting to be with the alienated parent. Even when told that if these frivolous reasons were removed the child will often claim they do not wish to be with that parent under any circumstances.

22.The child is encouraged to be with friends or play on video games in preference to being with the alienated parent.

23.A child who had a history of a good, happy and warm relationship with the now alienated parent before separation or divorce will fail to remember events in the past that made them happy. They may be suffering from amnesia of any good events due to the alienation process.

34 Responses to About Parental Alienation

  1. Good list. Thank you for posting. Parental alienation is a destructive family dynamic affecting countless parents, children and extended family members every year. Raising the visibility of alienation will help other families avoid these heartbreaking situations.

    For more information, and resources, on parental alienation you can visit http://www.afamilysheartbreak.com.

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    • Kakita says:

      provides a detailed extlnaapion of how absence of contact provides fertile soil for alienation to develop and become entrenched.With the absence of contact, time is on the side of the parent intent on destroying the child’s relationship with the other parent. Attempts to corrupt a child’s view of a parent most effectively crowd out the child’s positive feelings and memories when the child has no reminders of the parent’s love and no time to enjoy that parent. Also, the child becomes more dependent on the favored parent and more likely to see the absent parent through the distorting lens of the parent who dispenses divorce poison.

      • Annabelle Lloyd-Roberts says:

        Fantastic summary of the condition. How do you prove this is what is happening to Social Services and the courts when so much weight is put on ‘wishes and feelings’ of the child? How do you get them to question what the child is saying about the alienated parent? I feel helpless to know how to tackle this.

  7. I see mike jeffries left a comment on your blog too. He leaves good comments. I can only offer that I live in this nightmare of parental alienation and I watch my children slip away. My children have gone from superior students to dropouts and still the Courts have not listened despite my children’s behavior showing the mother (who has sole custody) must be the problem. I live in Solano County, California. The Courts here are for the most part political and complacent. Judges look for excuses to not rule on difficult matters. The Judge actually said I don’t know whats going on but this is what I am going to order…..I hope the Courts in your country are better.

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  11. Elaine Rooney says:

    After 2 years of no contact with my girls I feel so much better to know I am not alone, I do worry for the future if they get in touch as I feel I would be constantly walking on eggshells around them. I really wish there were support groups available to help people going through this situation it is almost like a bereavement even though there has been no death!!

    • Michael says:

      Hi Elaine
      I have been seperated for over 4 years. My two daughters only let them see me when they are at University. There mothhers idea as this is what exactly she said to me when we seperated. ‘I will never share the girls with you and you will only be able to see them in university’. Treated them like belongings and they treat me the same way saying whe and where they will see me. Totally brainwashed. I feeel very sorry for them as there heads have been totally mucked up.
      I tread on eggg shells everytime we meet. Recently very worried about the welfare of my daughter so turned off as a surprise to give suppport and show her some love Guess what I just got told off.

    • ntrevis says:

      Are you a mum aswell? This situation we are both in is so awful, you cannot explain it to anyone unless they have been through this aswell. I truly believe in the bigger picture and standing back. Eventually the kids will see the light – I hope. I think the problem with adults is they want to solve things immediately whereas its probably best to let time do its thing? and sincerely hope for the best – for me that would be they come back to me and never want to go back again. I would be interested in your thoughts if you get a moment.

      • Michael says:

        No I am a Dad. So many people say stand back they will see the light eventually but I do have my doubts. My fourth Christmas coming up when I don’t see them. They have not visited me in four and and half year. When I see them at UNi its allways just on my own. No friends, no relatives, no other family as they want see anybody else.
        I have always wanted it to stop now but now have a more of a sat back attitude.

      • Annabelle Lloyd-Roberts says:

        Unfortunately my experience is (and from what I have read on PAS) that the longer the alienating parent has influence over them the more entrenched their negative view of the other parent becomes. People are then convinced that you must have done something terrible for your child to refuse to see you but read up on PAS and you will see that this stated hatred is a symptom of the conditioning by the other parent. I understand this but feel absolutely powerless to know how to prove to anyone what is really going on! I am also fearful of the costs involved in trying to fight this through the courts if the Judge and CAFCASS officer do not know how to spot what my ex has been doing and take what my daughter says at face value. Tempted to train as a solicitor specialising in this as there seems to be so little awareness of this psychological programming of children by revengeful parents.

    • Annabelle Lloyd-Roberts says:

      I am wondering if I can set up a support group. Perhaps an FB page? Please anyone in this situation please feel to look me up and message me.

  12. Nadia says:

    I have had to resign myself to the fact that it is unlikely I will see my children, let alone have a relationship with them for at least the next couple of years. I have absolutely no contact with them – the emotional agony has reduced over time but the daily question I ask myself is “have I done the right thing?”. Is there anyone that has survived this agony and now has a relationship with their child/ren?

  13. Grant-30 says:

    Just found your site and im going to have to read it thoroughly. My wife left me about a number of months ago and took my children, every week I see them I feel she is trying to alienate me from my children, my oldest (8) becomes more withdrawn as the weeks go by, she bribes my youngest (5) with money to try and control my access which results with them getting upset when I say no. She regularly visits neighbours in my street with my children although she lives over 30 miles away and wont let them say hello for 2 mins and fabricates lies about her own safety to the point where the neighbours spread gossip, follow me and acts like body guards every time she leave’s. Last night she refused me 2 mins to see my children in their Halloween outfits while the neighbour shouted to my sister “you don’t now what he’s done” ??? and she’s told my oldest that she’s scared to send them over to see me in-case I grab them and lock the door? What dismays me is that I get full parental access every fortnight for 2 days but she’s scared i’ll grab my kids when she visits the neighbours ??. Its all an act and I cant do anything about it.

    My solicitor is more concerned in the financial aspects of the divorce, and is reluctant to get involved and the CSA take her side even though I have always given her money prior to their involvement.

    I feel the only avenue is the social services however im scared that if I talk to them then my wife will completely refuse me access.

    I just feel like a leper in my own street, i feel my children are being slowly brainwashed against me, she makes comments in front of them regarding dart boards and my picture, she bribes them with money, accuses me of treating my children badly via solicitors letters, refuses to communicate via any other means other that solicitors, just feel like im getting to breaking point. :(

    i have worked hard all my life to provide for my wife and children and nobody seems to want to help……

    I just dont know where to go :(

    • Michael says:


      Thanks for your enytry.
      Sorry I have not replied to your entry on my site earlier.
      How are things going. You managed to get the support of anyone?

    • ntrevis says:

      Have just replied, but not sure if you got the message from me? the long and short of it is , please try and look at the bigger picture, your children and my children will be around for a long time, please God, I have really been to hell and back, there is no answer, my way of dealing with this, is to stand right back. I am up against an adult who is hell bent on destroying my relationship with the children, the best thing is to stand back. Dont expect an immediate response from them, they are simply not strong enough at the moment but I strongly believe that in time, they will come back, they love both parents and the bond between both parents cannot be destroyed its too strong. Let them have their time with their father/mother and in time they will seek you out – that is my belief anyway. I strongly believe I am breaking the negative cycle and relieving the children of the high anxiety they were suffering.

      • Annabelle Lloyd-Roberts says:

        I am in your situation with one child (other still lives with me). My fear is that from what I have read about PAS the relationship can well be perm destroyed leading to depressive illness for the child in later life etc. I have stood back for 2 years with my teen and things have only got much much worse. I feel helpless to know how to fight this .

    • Annabelle Lloyd-Roberts says:

      I am experiencing exactly the same behaviour from my ex husband re my 15 yr old teen. My 11 yr old still lives with me. My ex has had my daughter for 3 years and gradually through the methods you describe above (instead of dartboard comments it has been vampire pictures ‘Oh look there’s Mum’- would be laughable if he didn’t employ all the other alienating strategies as well! ) I too feel helpless to know how to tackle this. How to get my child assessed and prove his alienating behaviour? Which solicitor to turn to. My experience is that Social services take what the child says at face value as they do not seem to have been trained to spot PAS. I rue the day I let my daughter live with my ex. Prior to this I had given him 7 years unlimited access to both children while they both lived with me. I never imagined in a million years he would seek to destroy my relationship with my daughter once he got his hands on her.

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  16. My ex alientated my (then 12 year old) from me, then moved into the same street. The grief is overwhelming at times. Such a relief to see there are others out there too.

  17. Annabelle Lloyd-Roberts says:

    I am experiencing almost all the above from my ex husband and 15 year old daughter. Our son remains living with me (11 years old) and we enjoy the warm, loving relationship I originally also enjoyed with my daughter. While recognising PAS or HAP in my daughter and my ex’s behaviour I feel powerless to know how to tackle this or how to prove or have my daughter assessed by an expert. My daughter refuses all contact and my ex resists anything positive I try to do for my daughter’s health, education etc.

  18. Annabelle Lloyd-Roberts says:

    I am experiencing this situation with my teen (my son still lives with me 11 yrs old, and we continue to enjoy the loving relwtionship I enjoyed originally with my daughter). I would love to know who to contact who will be able to help me prove what has been happening? How do I have my child assessed for PAS? My experience is that Social Services are not interested as there seems to be no real understanding of the harm that is being done to the child involved. Proving psychological programming seems to be a very uphill struggle.

    • Michael says:

      Hi Annabelle
      Where are you? I have been through this now for six year and neither of my daughters, now 24 1nd 21 have come to see me in over six year. I go and see them and take then out for a meal for a couple of time but not had the comfortable casual weekend or couple of days together for so long. I know what you must be going through. Be strong don’t over compensate to your children stand for who you are.
      Keep going. M

    • Karen says:

      Hi Annabelle …. I am about to lose my daughter to her narcissistic father and am completely powerless to stop this. She is 16 and has been brainwashed by him. Please let me know if you start up a support group. I am desperate because I know he is a sick man and wants to isolate me using my daughter as a pawn.

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